Dr. Spratt Remembered: A Fascinating Sunday

Mick Turner

 

Let me begin by saying that I have a great appreciation for the charismatic element in the Church Universal. Although I am not a member of a charismatic denomination, I have read deeply in the writings of spirit-filled authors and have benefited greatly from this endeavor. I enjoy an animated worship service and I am not one of those stick-in-the-mud traditionalists that refuse to hold their arms above their waist.

 

Still, it is a wonder I have ever set foot in a charismatic or Pentecostal church after an early experience I had with this type of worship. In fact, I had forgotten about the whole episode until a week ago.

 

Last week I was going through a box of odds and ends and found an old term paper I wrote 30 years ago while a junior in college. The paper was for a Sociology of Religion class and my mind quickly began to wander back to that class in general and the professor in particular.

 

If you think I am weird, believe me, Dr. Spratt had me beat by a country mile.

Arnold Spratt, PhD, taught this class and he was, in addition to being one of the homeliest men alive, as exciting as an empty coke bottle. Truthfully friends, this man could bore the leg off a piano and put the stoutest caffeine addict to sleep.

Dr. Spratt used to stand behind the podium, speaking in a low monotone voice that most resembled an electrical humming sound. Add to this the fact that I had his class right after lunch and it is easy to see why half the class would be nodding off 10 minutes into his lecture.

 

The other half was stone cold asleep.

 

Professor Spratt was a small man, weighing about 110 pounds soaking wet. Sitting atop his short, lank frame was an even smaller head that sort of sloped backwards at the forehead, accentuating ears that would have made an elephant bellow with envy. The smallness of Dr. Spratt’s cranium was magnified by the fact that he always tied his necktie with a knot as big as a tumor.

 

When the good professor lectured, his voice never rose above a loud whisper, but when he wanted to emphasize a point, he would sort of pull his thin lips up across his large front teeth and sort of hiss out his words like an agitated Copperhead. Combined with his bird-beak nose and sloping forehead, Dr. Spratt looked more weasel than human.

 

In spite of all this, Dr. Spratt was a nice man, cordial and polite. Because our class was a seminar, there were only nine or ten students on the roll. He often invited the entire group over to his house for wine and cheese, minus the wine. You see, Dr. Spratt and his wife were Pentecostal teetotalers.

 

Mrs. Spratt was the physical opposite of the good doctor. She was an ample woman who, to put it mildly, was way on up there in tonnage. The professor’s wife owned and operated a bakery and obviously sampled her wares frequently. However, it was not Mrs. Spratt’s size that I remembered. Instead, my clearest memories of the lady came from a time when Professor Spratt invited my good friend David, myself, and a Russian exchange student named Alexander to his church. We were all in the Sociology of Religion class and Dr. Spratt thought witnessing a Pentecostal worship service would broaden our perspectives on the Protestant Church as a whole. Alexander, it should be noted, had already attended the church several times, had a spiritual experience which he talked about endlessly, and converted to Pentecostal Christianity. In our eyes, even though Alexander had quickly become somewhat of a zealot, being Pentecostal was better than being a Pinko Commie, which is what he was prior to seeing the light.

 

Professor Spratt gave us no warning of what to expect and it was the first time David had been to a charismatic sort of worship service. I had only been a couple of times myself, as a teenager. Our neighbors two doors down were members of an Assembly of God congregation and, on occasion, I accompanied the family.

 

Nothing, however, could have prepared us for what happened that day.

 

After a long, long sermon (delivered by the soporific Dr. Spratt, who it turns out was pastor of the church), the music started and everyone present slowly but visibly began to get worked up. At one point, a couple of folks started speaking in tongues and flapping their arms about.

 

As the spirit mounted in the room, all of a sudden Alexander screamed something unintelligible and started running down the center aisle and, taking a sharp right turn, began making laps of the sanctuary, babbling in what we assumed was Russian. From time to time he would grunt loudly and shout something that we could not interpret but sounded amazingly like “Ooga Booga.” He continued to orbit the sanctuary for about 20 minutes before collapsing in a heap halfway down the center aisle. From that day forward we never called Alexander by his given name again. We simply referred to our Russian friend as “Sputnik.”

 

All the while, Dr. Spratt was going down a line that had formed in front of the church, slapping people on the forehead and sending them crashing to floor, where they lay writhing, panting, and making babbling sounds that must have also been glossolalia. Like Clark Kent, Dr. Spratt was transformed from a mild mannered milk toast of a man into a loud and powerful soldier of God.

 

Just about two orbits before Sputnik crashed, Mrs. Spratt hoisted her bulk from a pew in the back and ran screaming down the center aisle with her arms thrashing above her head like two swollen tentacles. She beached herself on the alter steps where her drooling, incomprehensible verbalizations left the carpet soaked with blubbering spittle. All of a sudden a deep rumbling sound rose up from somewhere deep inside her. I don’t know what she said, but she sounded a lot like an old Dodge on a cold morning. Just before she passed out cold, her ample physique quaked and trembled and, combined with her bright green dress, she looked for all the world like a big bowl of lime Jell-o.

 

A group of folks circled around Mrs. Spratt and prayed for her in tongues. David and I, meanwhile, made our exit. Sputnik was still lying in a motionless heap on the floor…

I mean to cast no dispersions on anyone’s religious expression here. As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, I have a deep appreciation for the charismatic arm of the Church. I am just relating what all of this looked like to a couple of young, impressionable minds that had not been prepared beforehand. It would have helped if the good professor had front loaded us with a bit of information as to what we might expect to witness.

 

For what it’s worth, David is now an Episcopal priest and Sputnik has his own large Pentecostal congregation in Virginia. As for Dr. Spratt, we never looked at him the same after that memorable Sunday.

(c) L.D. Turner 2008/All Rights Reserved

 

Don’t Let Your Christ Be Too Small

MIck Turner

Each week Christians gather together to worship the Lord through prayer, praise and listening to the Word of God. However, it occurs to me that like anything that is done with constant repetition, the very act of worship becomes little more than a mechanical action, devoid of purpose and meaning. No wonder, as Christians, we often sense that something is missing.

 

In the meandering sojourn of my own spiritual journey I have gone through several periods where I felt especially dry and mechanical in worship services, at times to the point where I avoided participating altogether. Eventually I discovered several pertinent scriptures that helped me through these arid times and I want to use this article to share those valuable scriptures with you. You see, I think many of us do not fully realize just who and what this Christ is that we have pledged to follow.

 

Just who is this Christ that we worship? Just who is this being that we call our Lord and Savior? Is he a man that lived a little over 2,000 years ago? Yes? Was he a carpenter from Nazareth? Yes. Was he God’s son? Yes.

 

But he was so much more.

 

With these thoughts in mind, let’s pause for a little while and reflect a bit on just who this Jesus we worship is. Going back to the basics, let’s take a look at just who and what it is we are worshipping and, further, let’s see if we can recapture purpose and meaning in our times spent with the Lord, whether in public or in private.

 

I want to start with asking you to reflect for a moment on creation. By creation, I mean the natural world. Just spend a little time contemplating the complexity, intricacy and wonder that surround us on a daily basis. Now, consider what kind of being, possessing what kind of intelligence, brought all this into existence. Science tells us that if the earth was tilted just a fraction of a degree different than it is, life could not exist.

 

It is important that we come to understand just who this Christ is. Open your mind and your heart to the reality of just who and what we are dealing with when we encounter Christ. Above all, don’t let your Christ be too small. Go back to scripture and discover the true wonder of it all. Let’s start with Colossians.

 

“Christ is the visible image of the invisible God. He existed before anything was created and was supreme over all creation, for through him God created everything in the heavenly realms and on earth. He made all the things we can see and the things we can’t see – such as thrones, kingdoms, rulers, and authorities in the unseen world. Everything was created through him and for him.”

 

                                                                                    Colossians 1:15-17

 

Christ himself, speaking through the pen of Solomon, long ago gave us a hint as to his nature and his identity.

 

“The Lord formed me from the beginning, before he created anything else.

I was appointed in ages past, at the very first, before the earth began.

I was born before the oceans were created, before their springs bubbled forth their waters. Before the mountains were formed, before the hills, I was born – before he had made the earth and fields and the first handfuls of soil.

I was there when he established the heavens, when he drew the horizon on the oceans. I was there when he set the clouds above, when he established springs deep in the earth. I was there when he set the limits of the seas, so they would not spread beyond their boundaries. And when he marked off the earth’s foundations, I was the architect at his side. I was his constant delight, rejoicing always in his presence. And how happy I was with the world he created; how I rejoiced with the human family.”

 

                                                                                    Proverbs 8:22-31

 

Now we come to the most amazing part of our exploration. This magnificent being that was formed from the beginning before anything else decided to come down out of the heavenly realms. He chose, through love for us, the most incredible act possible, the most outrageous and unexpected course of action possible. He took on human flesh, dressed himself up in an earth suit and showed up as an infant lying in a manger, grew up and walked among us. Why would a being such as he do such a thing? It boggles the mind.

 

“Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges, he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being.”

 

                                                                                    Phillipians 2:6-7.

 

Only God’s great love for fallen humanity can account for his committing such an unthinkable thing. Who among us can truly fathom the depth of his actions? Now, let’s go back to scripture to see just exactly what he did.

 

“In the beginning the Word already existed. The Word was with God, and the Word was God. He existed in the beginning with God. God created everything through him, and nothing was created except through him. The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness can never extinguish it. God sent a man, John the Baptist, to tell about the light so that everyone might believe because of his testimony. John himself was not the light; he was simply a witness to tell about the light. The one who is the true light, who gives light to everyone, was coming into the world.

He came into the very world he created, but the world didn’t recognize him. He came to his own people, and even they rejected him. But to all who believe him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. They are reborn, not with a physical birth resulting from human passion or plan, but a birth that comes from God.

So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son….From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses, but God’s unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God. But the one and only Son is himself God and is near to the Father’s heart. He has revealed God to us.”

 

                                                                                    John 1:1-14; 16-18

 

For more clarification, let’s revisit Colossians and continue our study of what Paul tells us about Christ:

 

“Christ is also the head of the church, which is his body. He is the beginning, supreme over all who rise from the dead. So he is the first in everything. For God in all his fullness was pleased to live in Christ, and through him God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ’s blood on the cross.”

 

                                                                                    Colossians 1:18-20

 

And finally, let’s return to Christ’s own concluding counsel as he spoke in Proverbs:

 

“And so, my children, listen to me, for all who follow my ways are joyful. Listen to my instruction and be wise. Don’t ignore it. Joyful are those who listen to me, watching for me daily at my gates, waiting for me outside my home. For whoever finds me finds life and receives favor from the Lord. But those who miss me injure themselves. All who hate me love death.”

 

                                                                                    Proverbs 8:32-36

 

Think about it.